Why is the future so scary?

By Stella Violet

I’m 20 and have no clue what I’m doing with my life. I constantly think about ‘The Fig Tree’ by Sylvia Plath and wonder which path I will take.

I love creating short films and making music, but you can’t get a degree in either of those things because they’re “useless,” if I don’t, when will I make the time to do what I truly love? Then again, I want to be an actor or write for Vogue, or maybe I’ll be the one to save Saturday Night Live and become a head writer.

This is typically what my inner monologue sounds like whenever I think about my future or any free moment. I don’t know what is worse: failing at something I’ve always dreamed of or succeeding at something I hate.

Let’s talk about it.

From an early age, I was fascinated with getting my neighborhood friends together and making up plays or songs to perform for our parents. Once I hit 11, I got my first camera. It was an old red Sony Camcorder with a 4GB SD card. I would make movies with my neighborhood friends or dress my dogs in silly costumes and hit record. I would then edit on my mom’s laptop, burn them back onto the SD card, and stream them through our Wii through the SD holder.

My cousin told me the other day that life coaches tell you to look back on what brought you joy as a child when you struggle with finding a career path. I always think about that now, but I get so scared to put something out there that isn’t a joke, something that I care about. What if people hate it? What if people send it to their friends and make fun of it?

This is the mindset I’m still trying to get out of, and TikTok has been an outlet for me recently. I’ve just been posting everything: lifestyle content, comedy, fashion, quotes, anything I can think of. I think this is because I want to try and do everything; it’s hard to just stick to one specific thing, and I don’t have to produce a full-length movie to get my ideas out there on TikTok. Nothing is set in stone, whether it’s my style, music, movies, hairstyles, or, most importantly, my career path.

The idea that we should figure our lives out by 21, or 22, is unrealistic. I cannot imagine being secure and happy at a 9 to 5 in two years like I’m just a girl. Our society is also rapidly changing, making it almost impossible to secure a career job right out of college and not have to live with three or more people.

Adults always tell me, “Oh, you’ll figure it out,” or tell me that they had their first career jobs the second they stepped out of college. Not to mention that I still can’t decipher if college is a scam or not. I think I’m doing it because it gives me something to do, and I have a full-ride scholarship, but I’ll see people not in college my age pursuing their dreams without needing a degree.

My ultimate reminder is to take it slow and listen to Vienna by Billie Joel; usually, I calm down a few notches. And, each semester, I try to schedule specific times in the week when I know I have downtime to make music or write scripts. This semester has been challenging, but I try to hold on to that cheesy saying, “You can do whatever you set your mind to.”

That’s when my delusion sets in, but I try not to think of it as delusion and more as manifestation. I genuinely believe that what you put into the world is what you will receive. Maybe I just needed to write this out to come to this conclusion, but the future is highly uncertain and scary, but it is also right there begging me to mold it.

Being a young adult is scary because nobody tells you what to do or how to do it; it’s just something you must figure out. I think that’s the lesson I’m going through right now, and man, it is difficult. It’s the hope that all the struggle you’ve endured will pan out eventually, and you’ll get everything you want and more. It’s also the hope that you don’t become a washed-out adult who regrets not following their dreams.

I’m unsure what the end message is because I have not figured this out myself. However, I wanted to write this hoping you are not alone if you are also struggling. My friends and I always talk about what the future holds and how we struggle with what we will become. However, just the comfort of knowing I’m not going through it alone keeps me stable and makes me appreciate the present just a little bit more.