Why Is Mr. Wrong, Always Right?
Exploring the social effects of Hollywood’s obsession with the toxic romance.
By Arya Desai
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You’ve seen the story. Girl meets boy one fateful night—and thus, a consuming, dramatic, and exhilarating relationship begins. One that will follow the leading lady until the end of the film or series, despite many ups and downs, beating out even the presence of other viable romantic opportunities. It’s complicated, she will say, but in the end, she followed her heart and true love wins, right?
Wrong. Behind the popular romantic trope of the fated lovers emerges a troubling message–one that teaches women to forego their boundaries and standards to achieve that happy ending with “Mr. Right.” Though this may make for a compelling “will they or won’t they,” the prevalence of this pattern in Hollywood storytelling has had an undeniable effect on its female viewers. After all, if Carrie can forgive Mr. Big’s stringing her along for a decade, or Sandy for Danny’s incessant teasing, then why can’t we do the same when it comes to our own romantic entanglements? Suddenly, altering our appearance, disregarding our friends’ advice, and changing our life plans is a grand romantic gesture.
So why is Mr. Wrong, always right?
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Mr. Beautiful Mess
One of the many reasons may lie in the entertainment factor that Noel D’Souza Brown, a 22-year-old Los Angeles screenwriter and director, points out: “Rom-coms show us that some of the best love can be a little messy, but they also have a habit of excusing abuse as a mess.”
D’Souza Brown points out the startling pattern that many of our favorite Hollywood romantic comedies glamorize the complications and mess that come with romantic courtships. Look no further than the latest Darren Star hit, Emily in Paris, which is a definite culprit of the “messy” trope.
The show, which has run for four seasons, pairs its strong-willed, type A protagonist, Emily Cooper (Lily Collins), with the moody but passionate Parisian chef, Gabriel (Lucas Bravo). Though Emily is given the chance of romance with several other viable romantic partners, it is obvious that showrunners favor the messy, hot-and-cold dynamic between Emily and Gabriel, whose journey thus far involves infidelity, jealousy, and the involvement of toxic friends and family members.
Similarly, iconic couples like The Notebook’s Allie (Rachel McAdams) and Noah (Ryan Gosling) are easy to root for. It’s no wonder why, as the two battle objecting family opinions, socio-economic differences, and most of all…pride. However, despite their genuine connection, Noah and Allie’s tumultuous relationship brings pain and suffering to both, but is especially challenging for Allie, who is virtually pulled back into her teenage romance after having happily moved on.
Yes, their love is true, and the circumstances make it hard for this particular couple to have a smooth journey. Still, possessiveness and emotional manipulation are present from the beginning of their relationship.
This is something D’Souza Brown points out, “They have terrible communication and continually manipulate each other. He pretty famously coerces her into going on a date with him by threatening to kill himself…that’s horrific.”
Not to mention, Noah’s initial abandoning of Allie is quickly forgotten, despite her wishes to fight for the relationship. Years later, she chooses to break off her healthy engagement because Noah is unable to move on from their teenage romance.
“I think it's created the idea for me that healthy love is not calm, and you have to be put through the wringer for it as a woman, but I don't think that is true,” says Taylor Hoverson, a 30-year-old Los Angeles creative and jewelry entrepreneur.
Hoverson’s experience begs the question, what messages do these films send to those who are questioning their tumultuous relationships?
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Mr. Fixer-Upper
Everyone loves a “fixer-upper.” After all, the thrill of the challenge is not only a dopamine hit, but reflects a strong sense of determination.
It is natural, then, that Hollywood would bake this into creating its most famous male leads. However, this results in a series of consequences for the female love interest, who is often left with the task of teaching their male partner to adopt better behavior.
“I think what's represented in the rom-coms is that a man is kind of just the way that he is, and it's like, take it or leave it,” says Hoverson. “Accept him for who he is, and just hope that he changes one day,” she adds.
One of the most famous examples of this can be seen in films like Grease, as Sandy (Olivia Newton-John) changes herself beyond recognition to please her bad-boy boyfriend, Danny (John Travolta), donning dark makeup, an all-leather ensemble, and joining the world of the “greasers.” Here, Sandy accepts Danny’s questionable friendships and rebellious nature, an initial source of discomfort for the traditional lovergirl who wishes her boyfriend would be more respectful.
In another film, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Kimberly (Cameron Diaz) forgives and marries her fiancé, Michael (Dermot Mulroney), despite his borderline emotional cheating with ex and friend, Julianne (Julia Roberts). Though Michael ultimately chooses to marry Kim, their union is only made possible after she forgives him for questionable behavior leading up to the nuptials and the disrespect Julianne showed her.
Despite being one of her favorite rom-coms, Hoverson points out this story flaw: “Cameron Diaz is the one that the guy is marrying, and he ends up with Cameron Diaz. But she put up with that, and was publicly embarrassed.”
With the popularity of this television trope, a work in progress can mean ignoring important red flags out of the hope of changing your real-life partner, or rather, changing for your partner.
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Mr. Theatricality
Admittedly, much of society’s obsession with romance films would not be the same without the dramatic endings, messy complications, and elements of theatricality that leave audiences on the edge of their seats.
Lillian Mollo, a 24-year-old Los Angeles actor and screenwriter, acknowledges this in her love for romance films: “They capture life’s inherent theatrical essence and how we long for sticky situations and beloved tropes that we can’t help but fall in love with over and over again.”
Perhaps one of the most obvious examples of this trope comes with the decades long courtship between Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) and Mr. Big (Chris Noth). Though Carrie is given the chance of a happy ending with several other committed partners, the Sex and the City franchise is determined to see the pair reunite by its finale episode in which Big tracks down a homesick Carrie in Paris, “rescuing” her. And just like that, six seasons' worth of cheating, neglect, and commitment issues are forgiven.
It is no wonder then that witnessing these dramatic love stories play out onscreen influences us to expect and wish for the same things in our own lives…for better or for worse.
This, something Mollo acknowledges about her own relationship experiences: “Rom-coms impact the way I date because I feel attached to the ‘story’ of the particular relationship I am in…I overthink the role I play in my partner’s lives. Am I the manic pixie dream girl? Girl next door?” she goes on to add, “a little part of me wants it to be like a movie.”
However, as fun as romanticizing our favorite situationships may be, it teaches women to focus on theatricality and excitement in a relationship, ignoring the questionable decisions made by their partner.
After all, who doesn’t wish for their long-lost love to chase them through an airport with a comically large bouquet and an audience of onlookers? As long as the story ends in an impressive romantic gesture, the journey will have been well worth it.
“I guess that's what makes it a movie…the entertainment aspect of it,” admits Hoverson.
So how can we separate standards in our own lives from those in the entertainment we grew up watching?
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Mr. Right
One way is by choosing carefully which romantic films to look to for guidance, and which to recognize as fantasy. Several favorite films stray from these toxic tropes, shedding light on healthier depictions of realistic relationships and courtship.
For Hoverson, one of her favorites, Father of the Bride, is one: “Both the parents are very healthy examples of love…there's no chasing, there's no cheating, there's no disrespect,” going on to add that, “there is also Annie, the daughter, who is so sure of the partner that she's choosing.”
It’s films such as these that signify what “Mr. Right” should represent, “I think that actual healthy love is calm and you don't always have to be forgiving somebody,” she explains.
Among these, films like He’s Just Not That Into You and How to Be Single teach women and men alike to seek out partnerships that aren’t complicated or confusing. Instead, honoring one’s standards is the best way to navigate matters of the heart.
“To me, ‘Mr.Right’ would be thoughtful, kind, and make me laugh. It’s someone who feels like a best friend…it is someone who respects my boundaries,” says D’Souza-Brown.
“I think the romance genre has morphed our idea of ‘Mr. Right’ or a healthy partner…” admits Mollo, “and of course it does, otherwise we wouldn’t buy into it! Who would watch a movie about a really great pair without any morally grey circumstances?”
In the end, it's unlikely that these toxic tropes will disappear from the silver screen altogether. But with the click of a remote, we can easily keep them in the world of television and out of our own lives.
