‘Runaway Bride’ (1999): The Struggle to Maintain a Sense of Identity in Relationships
By Jordan DelFiugo
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In Runaway Bride (1999), Julia Roberts’s character, Maggie, earns a scandalous reputation in her small town after leaving three different fiancés stranded at the altar. At first, her erratic behavior seems inexplicable: How could she callously shatter the hearts of these men who loved her unconditionally?
The answer becomes clear in due time as viewers are treated to a series of flashbacks from each of Maggie’s failed weddings. In the first, we see a carefree Maggie sporting a giant rose tattoo on her back that matches the one her rockstar fiancé has at their nontraditional, ’70s-themed wedding. In the next, Maggie is conservatively dressed in a Catholic church, with her would-be in-laws left mortified in the pews after she bolts. In the third, Maggie is a country bride who stylishly trots down the aisle on horseback.
Through this sequence, it becomes apparent that Maggie left each of these men for the same reason, one that had little, if anything, to do with them. In each relationship, she lost her sense of self.
Twenty-five years since the release of Runaway Bride, the struggle to maintain a sense of identity in relationships remains as pervasive as ever—and for women, the phenomenon is even more common. There’s even a term for it: "The Disappearing Woman," coined by psychoanalyst Beverly Engel. It refers to when women lose track of "what they believe in, what they stand for, what’s important to them, and what makes them happy" because they are in a relationship.
According to Psychology Today, women are more likely to lose themselves in relationships due to cultural conditioning that emphasizes the role of women as caretakers and nurturers. Consequently, even the strongest women in the healthiest relationships may internalize the idea that their worth is tied to their ability to please, care for, and sacrifice for their partners.
This becomes an even easier pattern to slip into when one has preexisting insecurities. If you're not happy with who you are, the idea of codependency and creating a false persona based on what you think someone else wants can be incredibly alluring.
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Part of the joy of getting to know someone is learning about, and maybe even adopting, a few of their interests and personality quirks. I’ve certainly been there, deluding myself into caring about golf or house music to impress a potential love interest, or pretending not to care about anything at all to give the illusion of being a "cool" girl. I’ve seen it in my friends, too, and I constantly find myself appalled when they start inviting their boyfriends to the once-sacred "girls' night" or suddenly become Fantasy Football enthusiasts.
This is innocent for the most part, but if you’re not careful, you can lose your friends or, more immediately, your identity. Establishing your own hobbies and forming a community that exists outside of any ties you might have to someone else is not only empowering, but necessary to your personal development.
In Runaway Bride, Maggie was so lost that she didn’t even know how she liked her eggs in the morning. When a reporter asked each of her exes this question, they all gave different answers: "She likes them scrambled," "She prefers fried," "Her favorite is poached." But they all ended with the same note: "She likes them the same as me."
It’s only when Maggie steps back and reevaluates her life that she begins to thrive. She prepares ten different types of eggs for herself to figure out which she likes best. She goes for solo runs, and she starts making and selling handmade lamps. She doesn’t make any drastic life changes or begin doing something revolutionary, but she starts making decisions for herself, and that, in itself, can be a revolutionary act.
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Ultimately, Runaway Bride highlights a timeless truth about the importance of identity. In a culture that often encourages women to prioritize others’ needs above their own, Maggie’s journey of rediscovering what makes her happy is a reminder of the freedom that comes from self-awareness.
Whether it’s through small acts of choice or simply reconnecting with what we love, reclaiming our individuality is key to building healthier, more authentic relationships, not just with others, but with ourselves, too.
