Flaky Friends and Guys on Hinge
By Stella Violet
My life has been one giant roller coaster ride since my birthday party on November 16th. It’s like It’s like I turned 20 and suddenly everything around me began to fall apart. I have also taken a bit of a break from social media, mainly because I have had no time to get ready and take photos.
Though, school starts again soon and I now have to figure out how to seemingly do everything all at once. The balance between having a social life, returning back to college after break, moving into a new apartment and moving everything out of my childhood home has been no easy task. And on top of that, I cannot find a guy who is remotely normal or sane either in person or online.
But, enough about me, even though that is my favorite thing to talk about, let’s talk about you. I asked on Instagram what you wanted to see me talk about and I got an overwhelming amount of you asking for advice on friends and guys.
So, in no way am I saying I’m an expert on either, but I will say I have had my fair share of experience with both the good and the bad.
Last night I went on Hinge for the first time in like a month and I was met with the worst lineup of likes since I last opened the app. I then texted them all back, made myself a drink and fell asleep with no intention of texting any of them back.
It has become so exhausting to have to weed through 15 people just to settle for one person that didn’t comment on my body or open with an overly sexualized joke or question. Bottom line, it’s just not a good time to date as a 20 year old girl.
The introduction of a “situationship” has also made things a million times worse for everyone. I’m all for a casual relationship, but this label has destroyed my perception of dating. I just wish everyone could be a little more honest with themselves and things could actually work out.
One thing my friends and I are always talking about is how the internet has ruined guys’ perceptions of women. It’s like if you don’t make this great impression or satisfy them in one single sentence on Tinder or Hinge they move on. Though, before the internet people had to actually go out and meet people, and there weren’t 500 other options sitting in your pocket.
It also has lowered so many people’s self esteems and created a lot more insecurity, mainly in women, including myself. When you’re constantly checking to see how many likes you got versus someone else you start to ask yourself if you’re just not good enough.
What I do to deal with online dating is straight up ask them what they are looking for before I create any sort of attachment. Some people may think it’s too extreme or too soon or want to get to know someone first before asking, but I personally hate wasting my time. Once I figure out if we are on the same page or not, then I can allow myself to let my guard down a bit. Then I give it three days of texting before making any sort of plan, mainly because I want to make sure they aren’t creepy and have some sort of a sense of humor.
From there, I just pray that they aren’t awkward in person and can have an actual conversation. Which honestly are the two things that happen to me the most, it’s so grueling having to carry a conversation for two people.
My main piece of advice would be to communicate about what you want, and even if you don’t know what you want, say that. I’ve seen almost all of my friends struggle with this, you want to seem “cool” so you just go along with whatever the other person wants and then somebody always ends up hurt. Bottom line, if they wanted to they would, and if they don’t, that is clearly the wrong person for you.
Another thing I would add is, focus on friendships. I get it, sometimes everyone needs a little validation, but in your 20’s or teens, friendships should be the most important relationships. At the end of the day romantic relationships come and go, but friendships do last a lot longer. So, date around with the expectation that it’s not that serious and you won’t get hurt.
If you’ve read my blog, you would know how important friendships are to me. And a lot of you wanted me to talk about dealing with friendship breakups, flaky friends, and how to handle arguments with close friends.
I have been friends with many people in my life, and some have stayed but I’ve also had my fair share of friendship breakups. There are two different types of situations when it comes to the end of a friendship, I’ll lay them out for you.
The Mutual Ending:
This usually happens when friends go off to college, and it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the end, just that you’re growing apart from that person.It is definitely the least hurtful because deep down you’ll still root for that person and send them a TikTok every once and awhile but both of you will probably make new friends and see less of each other, besides holiday season and sometimes summer.
Thankfully my highschool friends and I made it through this period and made it work, but I do have a few people that I outgrew. This doesn’t mean I blocked them on socials or never talk to them again, it again just means I see them on break and catch up with them every once in a while.
The Dramatic Ending:
Going from the least hurtful to the most hurtful, the dramatic ending of a friendship. This is one that the whole town talks about, people are more or less forced to choose sides, and both friends think they are in the right.
There are so many possibilities to achieve this outcome, maybe your best friend slept with your boyfriend, or maybe they hung out with that one person you absolutely despise or some other horrible thing you would have never done to them.
Regardless, it hurts, the loss of a friend is something that you’ll think about for a while. Actions speak louder than words, so the best thing to do is keep your head high and never talk bad about this person to anyone, unless they are telling other people false information.
I believe that success is the best revenge when dealing with this type of ending, but one thing I will never do is let someone tell lies about me, and neither should you. Especially when it comes to acquaintances, set yourself right and move on, that’s all I’ve got.
Now, let’s talk strategy when it comes to making new friends, whether that be online or in person. You always want to be 100% yourself, don’t try to seem cooler than you are or that you’re interested in something you’re not. More times than not, people can notice when you’re being genuine or not.
If you’re making online friends and they live in the same city as you, hang out with them. My best advice is to try to invite one or two of your friends and have them do the same so it’s less awkward for both of you.
Now, if you’re meeting new friends in person or being introduced to new people that your close friends know, keep an open mind. Whether your first impression is good or not, give it at least two more interactions before imposing any kind of judgment on someone.
Sometimes at parties or gatherings, people are not themselves, whether that’s alcohol induced or just genuine overstimulation. I know I’ve made some crazy first impressions on people based on those two things alone, but then I’ll meet them again in daylight and redeem myself or vice versa.
When it comes to forming closer relationships with your newfound friends, pay attention toward the beginning. Are they wanting to invite you out to things regularly? Do you have to text them first to make plans everytime? Do you always feel like an outsider when hanging out with them and their friends? These are great questions to keep in mind.
It is also important to ask yourself if they are someone you would consider a lifelong friend. I have very few of these friends, but I have a lot of people I know and probably won’t get too close with, and I don’t necessarily think that’s wrong. I have people I go out with on the weekends and can get brunch with the next day, I also have people I only see when going out, and then I have people I can go anywhere with in pajamas.
So, if you’re wanting to become closer friends with someone, talk to them about it. Much like any relationship, you will not get any clarity by not asking. But if you sense that you’re both not on the same page, don’t feel bad for distancing yourself because it’ll just end in turmoil if you’re constantly fighting for a friendship only one person wants.
That is only a broad assessment of my opinions on guys and friends so if you want to hear my thoughts on more specific issues, let me know.
I’ll leave you with this:
Keep your friends that you have now close, cut people off that no longer serve you, and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and meet new people. Also, never settle for anything less than the best when it comes to dating, we are too young for settling.
That is all for now,
Stella
