It’s Not Me, It’s You.

A belated tell all on the “mutual” split after much ruminating.

By El Weiss

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I unfollowed you on social media today. I know we said we would give it a month before talking again, but I mentally called it quits six months ago. 

I called it quits when you yelled at me over concert tickets, texted me once a day, and wouldn’t let me into your world anymore.

“I love you,” you said with a nonchalant smile. I think we both realized something was different. Maybe it was just me, but the tide had turned. 

I sat in your car after you drove me to Walmart to pick up some tile for a project you’re working on. Insistent on not getting a job, picking up odd end gigs was your reassurance you were not freeloading. I was sick of buying you food.

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I was done when I had to pay for your parking ticket when you came to visit me at school. 

“What are we doing?” I said finally breaking the silence. There is an eerie feeling when there is something you want—or need—to say, and the hardest part of growing up is knowing how to let that feeling make it past your lips. As someone with an unpredictable communication style, speaking up (especially to you) is a battle. But I mean who wants to break up with their partner of two years. 

We talked, we hemmed, we hawed. Everything said, every word exchanged, was dancing around the shared sentiment that grew more and more ferocious: it was time to walk down separate paths. 

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I left the car drained and still had the mindset of love and possibility with you. I’m not sure why, but in a lot of ways I’m still a kid. I haven’t left the construct of you being home in two years and was just moving out. I cried once, maybe twice. But two days later, an overwhelming sensation of peace found me that I had been yearning for. 

Finding your footing and stepping out of your comfort zone is an incredible pursuit. 

To those who might be in a similar boat as I was; in the famous words of Led Zeppelin,“Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there's still time to change the road you're on.”

 In essence, no matter how stuck you might be feeling right now, you can always take the reins and change where you’re going. 

Now, skip ahead to the present I’m rediscovering the meaning of what being loved truly is. Both by myself and others.