The Art of the Chase: Why We Want What We Can’t Have
By Stella Violet
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There’s a certain high we get from wanting something or someone, we can’t have. Sometimes it's a one-night stand or someone we’ve had a crush on for years. It’s intoxicating and almost addictive – a cocktail of longing, frustration, and hope served with a twist of self doubt.
We chase the unattainable, the unavailable, and the ever-so-slightly out of reach. But why? What is it about the forbidden, the distant, or the just-not-that-into-you that keeps us running toward it, even when our better judgement tells us to stop?
At its core, the allure of the unattainable is rooted in human psychology. We tend to want things more when they are scarce or elusive. Behavioral economists call it the scarcity principle: the harder something is to get, the more desirable it becomes. It’s why walking around wearing vintage couture feels more special and why that emotionally unavailable person suddenly seems like the most fascinating thing in the world.
Add to that the idea of a challenge. We’re wired to enjoy the chase – the process of pursuit lights up our minds with dopamine, the feel-good chemical associated with reward. The moment something feels “earned” rather than given, it becomes inherently more valuable.
We want what we can’t have, we romanticize it. Our imagination fills in the gaps with perfection. That person that doesn’t text back? They must be incredibly busy, important, or maybe they’re having some sort of family emergency. That dream job you didn’t get? Clearly everything happens for a reason and there’s definitely something better coming your way.
The truth, however, is often less glamorous. The object of our desire is rarely as perfect as we’ve built it up to be. But in the absence of reality, fantasy thrives. And it’s much easier to be infatuated with an idea than to face the messy, complicated truths.
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Here’s the kicker: sometimes, we don’t actually want what we’re chasing. We’re in love with the idea of wanting it. The chase gives us purpose, something to strive for. But once we attain it, the fantasy shatters, and we’re left with reality – which can be far less exciting than the pursuit.
This phenomenon is tied to our fear of commitment, vulnerability, and the unknown. Having something means having to confront the possibility of losing it. It’s safer to stay in the chase, where potential is limitless, than to settle into the uncertainty of having what you thought you wanted.
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How to Break the Cycle
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of chasing the unattainable, you’re not alone. The key to breaking free lies in shifting your focus:
Examine the Fantasy: Ask yourself what you’re really chasing. Is it the person, or is it the feeling of excitement, validation or worthiness that comes with the chase?
Ground Yourself in Reality: Take a step back and look at the situation objectively. Is the object of your desire truly as amazing as you think? Or have you created this version in your head that simply does not exist.
Value What You Have: Gratitude is a powerful antidote to the endless pursuit of wanting more. Take note of what you already have and find solace in allowing yourself to grow with what you already have around you.
Pursue Fulfillment, Not Validation: Instead of chasing external markers of success or happiness, focus on internal growth. What makes you feel genuinely fulfilled in life?
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There’s nothing wrong with wanting more or striving for what seems out of reach. Ambition and desire are natural, even beautiful, parts of life. But when the chase becomes an end in itself, it’s time to pause and reassess. Sometimes, the most liberating thing we can do is stop running and embrace what’s already within reach.
After all, true happiness isn’t found in the chase; it’s found in the moments when we stop and let life catch up to us.
